A Day in Paradise

Shorter State of the Union (Aaron Swartz: The Weblog)

I’m including the whole thing below
BUSH: America is good. Soldiers and law enforcement are making America safer. Tax cuts are making America stronger. We need more!

Terrorists are bad and still here. But the PATRIOT Act is good, renew it. Afghanistan is good now. Iraq is good now. There are bad people in the shadows, but they don’t scare us. Libya is destroying their WMDs, we sure scared them. Now for North Korea and Iran.

We are at war. Not invading Iraq would have been bad. We have internationalized the government of Iraq. Please provide more money, so we can bring democracy to Iraq and Afghanistan. We will create an empire of peace in the world.

Tax cuts are good. The economy is up. (People can spend better than government.) Renew the tax cuts. Accountability is good. Schools are better. (Government can educate better than people.) We need to spend more money on reading, math, and science.

Protect businesses from regulation and lawsuits. Modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, reduce dependence on foregin oil. Free trade, create jobs. Privatize part of Social Security. But limit spending and cut the deficit. [See how he sneaked that in there? - Ed.] Reform immigration. Improve health care. (The drug benefit was good, I’ll veto any attempts to get rid of it.) Pass Association Health plans and a lower-income health care tax credit. Computerize health records. Protect doctors from lawsuits. Make premiums tax-deductable.

Goodness is good. Families are good. Drug use is down. Pay $23M for drug testing in schools if you love children. Steroids are bad. STDs are bad. Fact: Abstinence is the only solution. Culture is bad. Marriage is good. Gay people are bad. I fund faith-based initiatives, which are good. Pay $300M to train released prisoners (including by faith-based groups).

America is still good. Cute kids are good, they should thank troops. God is good.
Democratic Response

PELOSI: America is good. Democrats are good. We should cooperate with other countries. Don’t lie to us. Soldiers are dying. Sweetheart Haliburton contracts are bad. Democrats are better at stopping terrorism: we’d inspect more containers, increase secutity on nuclear plants, help law enforcement communicate, secure uranium, not diminish civil liberties, and help veterans. Make America better.

DASCHLE: America is good. Make it better. Bush wants to spend social security money on tax cuts. Americans are good. Help them, not rich people. Bush lost 3M jobs. We’ll create good ones. Label country of origin. Fund schools. College tuition costs is up. Health care is a right. 43M don’t have it. Increase in health care premiums is greater than size of tax cut. Bush won’t make it cheaper and will weaken coverage. Dead people are bad. Cheap drugs are good. Social security should be a guarantee.